Thursday, March 20, 2003

i don't understand why i am always writing on this blog site when i feel like i do.
i'm at the place where my eyes are always squinting.
constantly squinting. very very annoying.
people are starting to call me squinty (no clark i'm not smoking pot).
suprise surprise i am exhausted. i can hardly think.
i am trying so hard to stay in the moment. i do not want to "live in the future" and
only think of when i get to leave this place and be in winnipeg working 3 jobs that i'm
gunna hate all summer.
38 days and we are done here. that is insain.

i think that i thought that b/c it was getting close to the end of the year God would
stop dealing so hard with me on issues.
guess i was wrong. i just thought he'd let up and give a bit of a break.
it's funny because in retrospect i see that this has been a wonderful year,
but it's been a very hard year. God has dealt with me on so many deep
heart issues. it's good. i am very thankful and wouldn't trade it for the world.
it's just getting so hard that i hope that it will let up. that there will be a break,
that the sadness that i feel will end because i don't realize what i am sad over
and that is the frustrating thing about it.

i have 4 assingments left. 3 major papers and a final exam.

i am trying to continue to glean from my assignments, but it's difficult when you know
this is almost over. by this i mean these same 4 buildings i've been in for 8 months.
i'm acutally not as depressed as i sound right now. i just can't quit squinting and someone
else just said something about it.


Monday, March 17, 2003

so brother Bush gave Saddam 48 hours eh.....
i am actually crying, my heart is totally grieved.....i'm not sure over what exactly, i think just the state of the nations.

you guys...pray...pray like you've never known before. not just a quick prayer here and there, fast, get on your knees and ask your heavenly Father to teach you how to cry out for the nations and for your country. do you forget that He hears our prayers?
now is not a time to dawdle in your faith and relationship with Jesus.
We need to start taking seriously the things of God. We need to.

kay i'm done preachin'......goin' to go induldge myself in my studies.

Sunday, March 16, 2003

there is so much that i feel like i need to say. well not need to say, but need to get out. my heart has so many needs. i feel so far from the things that i desire. i realize just how much my heart is a paradox. the desires of my heart want exact opposites at the same time. most days i feel like it is ripping me in two. i find myself getting sad because i can't understand how all these opposites will be able to meet the desires of my heart in my life time. some of the desires are things that take life times to attain. it doesn't make sense. not that i'm expecting everything to make sense. it just consumes me most days.

i long to be pure, i long to be inimate with Jesus......
i feel so far from the things that i desire.....that really sums up how i'm feeling right now.