there was so much i was going to blog about today. i could blog about the weather, or about my dad, or even about my new job. i could and was going to blog about how much pain i'm in. I swear my blasted knees are going to fall off. drat. but somehow, in light of waking up this morning, all that changed. what changed you might be asking?
I woke up this morning with an incredable ache. yes my knees were aching, (they always ache), but this was a much deeper, much more annoying ache. It's the kind of ache that interupts your whole day, and creates the kind of day were you are never really present in reality. It's like the person who normally minds the door in your mind has decided to slip upstairs for a moment, the only thing is that the moment has stretched quite considerably and you seem to be stuck in a state of limbo if you will; where you are looking in two different directions waiting for them both to arrive yet neither seem to be arriving any time soon, so you are left unaware of what to do.
i realize that this is a spiritual ache. I am longing for my God in such a deep way that I am afraid that I am actually going slightly loco. it's like i see Jesus right infront of me, just standing there smiling, and I'm running so hard just to reach him. but then I look down and realize i'm stuck on this contraption that is like a conveyor belt just going around and around but not getting me anywhere. So i stop and for the life of me can't figure out how to get off of this bloody contraption. I feel as though all my attempts to get to Him are just toying with me.....and i can't figure out what it is that I need to do because i am certainly feeling as though i need to do something.....
this leads to my intense frustration.
How was your day?

the quantity of things i have in my head could be worth three longs days of blogging non stop.
so because i'm exhausted and don't want to write it all out, i'll just say this:
........in memory of house group tonight........
"ape-shit
that is all.....farethee well dear loved ones......
i will blog at length tomorrow...

There is so much going on in my head and I really hate that feeling when i just can't get it out, especially when it feels like it needs to get out....arrrgghh.
I am finding myself extremly anxious to return to my studies. Don't get me wrong, i like being here, i like the break that i've been able to have. I feel like I just was too get on with it....I mean I'm in no rush....but now it's in my blood....now i'm starving for it.
I decided to email my dad, (who has been missing for 4 months) on the whim that he might email me back sometime....i mean no one has heard from him in almost 4 months now.....
So i emailed, really short, but he emailed me back. It was probably that last thing I was expecting. The last time i emailed him it took 3 months to hear back. So i didn't think at all that he would email me, especially when he took off and has been apparently cutting all ties. Needless to say it caught me by surprise. I told my mother about it, him emailing me, and she did the "mother" thing by just reminding me to be wise. She just doesn't want me to get hurt, which is something that I've always understood and totally understand. I am just curiousto know him. I mean half of me is in him and in his heritage.....I have never known him....so naturally i'm curious to know who he is and the story of what made him who he is....i realize that I may never "know" him, i guess i'm just hoping that someday I might meet him face to face, maybe it would resolve some things....
....then again maybe it's just another one of Rachel's pipedreams.......

It is such a journey learning how to see God as my heavenly Father. I hope that someday I come into a full realization of that, i know that when I get there that my life will be radically different. That is what I long for, to know God as my heavenly father who fullfills the deepest parts of me that I don't even know are there yet.

I guess with all this stuff with my dad happening, i'm realizing that there will always be a part of me that will not be able to be filled. I know that i could meet my dad face to face and those things in me that are longing for answers and fullfillment might never be filled. I know that. I am ready for that. I am learning that no matter how hard I try and convince myself that "I" can find the fullfillment, I know i'm just trying to fool myself. God is the only thing that will fullfill those places in me that are empty and dry. I know that. So i'm sick of trying to do it myself, I'm sick of trying to run my life. My goal is to pursue my heavenly father will everything that I have, no if's and's or but's. I am sick of letting fear hold me back. I am no longer afraid because I have the love of my Father in heaven protecting me.....that's all i need.
all right....i'm done babbeling........chow

i would post properly but blogger has gone and decided to not upload my template......soooo that means that I will post later....chow