Saturday, October 04, 2003

so yesterday i was called out of greek class.
Normally the office won't call anyone out of class unless it is important.
So as i was walking to the office i'm running through my head all the "important" things that would have involved me.....
As i got closer to the office i suddendly got scared that i was going to round the corner and see my dad standing there (a man i do not know and haven't seen in 13 years).
As i got in the office i saw my friend's (who lives in eston) mom. I knew right away something was up and we went somewhere to talk.
I was informed that on Tuesday night my friend tried to by overdosing. I was just floored. I didn't know what to say or do.
she has a 3 year old boy (cutie patootie) and i shock. Thank heavens she wasn't successful.
Her mom is setting up a scheduale where a few of us will stay with my friend over night so she won't be alone. I am staying with her monday night.

There are so many people in this town that are trying or attempting to really really bites....i wish i knew what was going on and i wish that i could do something about it.....hmmmph.

so yeah......i'm a bit......floored.

well all of you out there...i am sure that with the ever changing changes i make to this page i've lost about a good handle of those that may have been coming regularly.

If any of you out there who seem to have a good grasp on who you think i am and what you think i'd like....then please let me know if you find a blog skin...(or if you make blogskins) cuz i'd really like to find one that i could keep........

this is suppsed to be my study afternoon......
i have way to much homework to do and i don't want to do any of it.....arg
i need to go do laundry......
i need to visit winnipeg.....

i'm gunna go now.... ciao!

Friday, October 03, 2003

how do ya'll like the new layout!
i can't even take serious the things i write on it anymore...hahahaha.......

someone asked me once, really casually, what the point of bible school was. I seem to remember my heart getting really defensice but in following in true rachel tradition i didn't say anything. I have been thinking about it during these last couple of days. I have come to the following conclusion.

Because i don't know what i wanna "be" when i grow up, i am not in this colledge to pursue a carreer. This fact does not sit well with most people. I still want to pursue a masters and doctorate and then we'll take it from there i guess.

Now as i apply the question of why i am in Bible School an answer finally found a way into my heart. I am here because God asked me to come. I am here because i want a depth of understanding when it comes to what I believe.

In my life i feel the need to go deeper than the Sunday school belief that i have had for so long.
I need to know why i believe
i need to know what i believe
i need to understand
It's only out of that depth of understanding that I feel i can share my faith in my God. I feel, and have experianced so far, that as i get more knowledgable, history, and understanding of what I believe i can then explain it clearly.
Whether it be to a child, I feel capable of explaining this faith of paradoxes and complexities in a clear manner in which they could understand. Or whether it be to an intellecual of our day and time i feel extremly more cpable to explain, with intellegence, the things I believe.

That is what i want. I want to be able to explain with intellegence. I want to use my mind and I feel like as christians we don't "think" enough. There is sucha need for good thinkers out there. Such a need.
Who is reaching the thinkers of our time?
Who is willing to go and intellectually bring a challenge and an alternative to those great minds out there?
I've come to realize that even though my heart is to travel and be with other nations and peoples, He might ask me to remain in the Western world. He might ask me to try and reach the thinkers of our time.
Am i able to sacrifice my desire to travel?
Can i submit to God my WHOLE heart?
of course i can, because he's given me everything i need to obey Him.
He's given me all the faith i need.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

kay is my thing off or did blogger just change the posting layout again?

I really have no desire to update simply because i'm very tired. However i feel a deep obligation, and I feel as though I need to write my mind out.

I had a crazy night last night. I had to leave this morning at 6:30 am to help promote the college with our recruitment officer...teehee...i don't think that's her official title but i like calling her that anyway....teehee.
So we went to the Swift Current High School for the "carrer day" thing. It was fun.
Anyway, last night though, i was afraid that i was going to sleep in and not hear my alarm clock. So every 45 minuets ALL NIGHT i was awakened by my mind. Not only was my mind just randomly thinking, no it was thinking about GREEK. Oi.......
So i got very little sleep.
Today, i mean right now, i'm hardly concious let alone still being sick.

I am a suck today. I just want to curl up in the basement of Clarkie's house and watch star trek (or whatever she would have on, it's her TV i'd let her choose), drink some tea, hangout for the weekend, go to my church on sunday and see people, that would rule.
It's phunny how when your tired, nay exhuasted, all these emotions and feelings come up. It's sorta frustrating.

I ate supper tonight with chop sticks. That made me happy. 8^)
I am taking guitar lessons.....that makes me VERY happy because i get to learn theory again, ( i don't understand why i love learning theory)
All i know is that it is making me miss playing my flute because when i played my flute i played quite technical music, like it wasn't just playing it along with worship songs or chorus's but rather playing Bethoveen, mozart, Chopin, Hayden....mmmmmm......that was one hobbie that i deeply enjoyed playing. The harder, the more challenging the music the better. I still want to play in an orchastra some day.

Well my apologies that this really is nothing much of substance.
I do have some things that my mind has been mulling over, besides greek, that i was meaning to post. I'll try and do that tomorrow because i am just too tired to make those thoughts come across clear or with any power.

I think i am going to take the shout outs off......
*now how do i post what i've just written..........arg..........

Monday, September 29, 2003

these changes will do for now.....

so while i was painting friday afternoon i seriously damaged my hamstring.
I must have been painting in a weird position because boy oh boy.........ouch.
i can't hardly walk on it, sitting on chairs is very painful, i've been trying to stretch it out
but it feels like someone is slowly cutting through my muscle with a really dull knife.....ick.....and owie.

i have such a desire to move in the giftings that God has given me...whatever they may be.
i my mind i just have to nail down step one, this being getting my heart and spirit into a posture of quiteness and listening.
i have no doubt that the rest of the things i want or long for will all fall into place if only i can tackle step one..........
i'm trying to tackle it.

I've been really noticing things about myself lately, things that i knew were there before but didn't really see.
sometimes in conversation thoughts that run through my mind are things such as "what does this person want me to be right now?"
i become whatever is needed for that person to either accept me, like, whatever. Now I've gotten much better at this...i don't do this ALL the time but the thoughts are still there.
In Highschool, or rather growing up in eston, i never was myself. There was no point, people around me didn't care who i i was just what ever it was that they wanted or whatever they wanted to see.
I realize that everyone has this, at least to some little degree, in them.......

The reason for me posted this on the world wide web is simply because yesterday i was surprised by a thought. It reminded me that i still have that desire and longing to be "accpeted" by EVERYONE (which i know is totally impossible) and i still will sacrifice who I AM in order to get there. So naturally i started thinking about who i actually was (of course i don't even know the answer to that yet) but none the less i tried and hopefully i'll be able to continue to be comfortable in my skin and quite compromising myself for the sake of "acceptance".