Saturday, July 12, 2003

You're good. Almost as good as a Sig but are cheaper. Thats why the US military chose you. You're kinda scary.
Beretta92fs. You're good. Almost as good as a Sig
but are cheaper. Thats why the US military
chose you. You're kinda scary.

What handgun are you?
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Thursday, July 10, 2003

the least I can say is that I know myself.
I mean, when I have my incredibly annoying stretches of insomnia, I at least have a guess as too why it has snuck up on me.
1) it's either stress
2) it's worry
3) I'm not spending enough time soaking in Jesus
4) I am eating unhealthy
and in the case of last night.....all of the above.
Last night was such an incredibly horrible end to an awful day. I dare say one of the worst nights I've had in a very long time.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't lie still.
I couldn't keep my eyes closed because my mind would race through all of the things i have to do and all of the heartaches that I'm feeling and, If i kept my eyes closed for any length of time I'd start bawling. so i would open them, I would TRY and find a comfortable position knowing it was a pointless goal.
I started to ultimately, quite literally, "freak" about the fact that I have no money. That I can't find a job that actually PAYS me properly. I was "freaking" about my student loan (first one I've ever had to take out) thinking through it, wondering if I did the right thing. I mean i really feel like i am supposed to return there this year and that, at the present moment, is the only option for me getting there. I am so terrified that it won't go through, that i won't be able to return, that I'll have to stay here in Winnipeg working this job that i completely loath and being stuck there because no one else will hire me.

i finally put some music on to distract my thoughts (this is habit for me, i used to suffer from EXTREME insomnia as a child and into my high school years. My attention naturally gravitates towards music of any form so to put music on when i have insomnia helps me NOT focus on my thoughts and my retarded mind, therefore causing me to eventually fall asleep) I finally drifted away at about 3:15 ish only to awake to Clarkie arriving from work at 3:30. I listened as she closed doors, fed the dog, did her usual "get ready for bed" dance, turned off lights, made some food, watched some TV, closed some more doors and then went to bed. By that moment in time it was after 4 in the morning and I was once again WIDE A BLOODY WAKE......arg....... needless to say i got about 2 hours of sleep last night.

I was up at 5:30 to get ready for work, getting out of bed was so difficult for the reason that it meant going to work, facing another day, facing another day that had the ability to be just as hard and sad as the day before....I wasn't looking forward to it at all.

On the way to work while I was on the bus i made my peace with God. I had no desire to bring my horrible attitude into work it would only guarantee a horrible day, so i asked Him to forgive me and asked Him to remind me that it was my "mission field" and that I was with these people almost everyday and I will try and live my life as a light shining bright for my Jesus; i was going to try and live as salt.

I have never told anyone there that i am a Christian, the topic just hasn't arrived yet. One thing that I am so thankful for in my pursuit of Jesus is that He's really made me sensitive to certain things again. Gossip is REALLY BAD where i work. It only takes one person to start it and then they all just feed off of each other like a bunch of vultures. When i first started working there, friendly old me would smile only to acknowledge to them that I was listening and wasn't ignoring them. But this whole Gossip stuff has been getting worse in the last week. For the last few days I just haven't been able to handle it. I don't smile, i don't laugh, i am sure that i have a not so friendly look on my face but it is conveniently hidden behind dark sunglasses (because i drive all day)....anyway...point is.....i COMPLETELY ignore it if that's the only option, or i walk away, or if we are all stuck in the car i tactfully turn the music up or try and change the subject. With grace of course....
I thought that i was the only one who noticed what was going on....just how gross it is. So I've literally not spoken more than 5 words while at work in the past three days.

While unloading the car today after work with my team leader C-Dawg (she is the one that just talks constantly) She, out of the blue, asks me if i believed that we meet people in our lives for a reason. I replied that yes i believe in that very much so. She goes on to say that I am one of those people in her life.
i just stopped in shock. it was the last thing i expected to hear.
She continued to say that every since i have started working there i have just been constantly challenging her in who she is, how she acts, how she thinks etc. That she has changed so much in these last few weeks after meeting me that it has surprised her husband.

She starts to tell me that in this past week, while the gossip was steadily getting worse and more involved, that she started to notice how i was around that sort of situation. When today dawned she had the specific intention on intently "watching" me, how i acted, reacted, the words i spoke, etc. This she did.
So as we were unloading the car she's telling me how much she is impressed with me and how much she has come to respect me since I've started working there; how I've handled myself in conversations and different situations. I was somewhat confused, i didn't know what she was talking about, i couldn't remember any "situations" perse....all of a sudden it sort of dawned on me and i just blurt out "oh the gossip?" she sort of cringed at the word but agreed.
She said that while she was watching me today and watching just how i wouldn't stand for that around me it reminded her that it was bad and she would intern not get so "involved" herself and rather try and change the subject for me.

It was such a cool moment. It made me realize ONCE AGAIN that even though we might feel like we are doing nothing, having no impact what-so-ever on the surrounds around us, or even loath the job we are working in....
the fact stays the same....
God can, will, and DOES work through us broken humans to touch lives around us.....what a completely humbling reality. The even in my hatred of that job, He choose to impact a life through an example that i tried to set in my life.
I was a wonderful end to an otherwise horrible day.....
I love my Jesus......

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

last night was a beautiful gift.
being able to spend some time with about 15 women from my church, talking, eating, laughing, sharing stories, getting to know each other was wonderful.
The reason why we were there was a bit painful, but it was still a very joyful evening.
From my view I see a small glimpse of the lives that Cynthia has touched and the impact she's had, it just blows me away. She is such a beautiful woman and I just love how she is seemingly fearless in her pursuit of Jesus.

I took time to glance around the table last night and just look at the women that were all there. It was so encouraging. So exciting. I feel extremly lucky and blessed that God would let me step into this community here, let me feel like this is my spiritual home. Sitting there last night i remembered that horrible pain that will come in six weeks as i return to school. I am so thankful for the time that i've been able to spend here and when i leave I just don't know if I will be able to return....practicallity tells me that i need to make money for school, which means tree planting, so at least right now I can't gaurentee that I'll be able to return to this city next summer......that thought is already making me sad.

I just hope that I can keep my butt in gear and stay in touch with people here.....i would be a fool if i didn't.

I feel like there is so much i want to express and I can't....
so i'm going to stop....
and i'm going to go do the dishes....

Sunday, July 06, 2003

So last night was one of those treasured, feared moments with God.
It's sort of hard to explain.

I was dreading sleep, dreading the moment when my exhausted body would collapse on my pillow and my mind would enter it's playground. I don't exactly know why i was dreading wait....i do know why.

Anyway, as i reached my bed i started to journal, i don't know what i was trying to say but i just started to journal. I couldn't journal for very long because i was just overwhelmed with God. I was overwhelmed with tears. So i just fell on my back staring at my ceiling....frustrated....overwhelmed.....crying....confused....longing for God.
In the middle of this emotion that I couldn't quite explain I just started to write.
What came out was something that I feel like God was saying to me.
What came out were more tears.
What came out was something that I haven't looked at yet.
I never read it over, for some reason i am scared too.
I am scared to open my journal again, i'm scared to read those words.
Maybe it was the conviction that I felt from God. That soft, quiet, gentle conviction that heals and opens up wounds.
Maybe that's why i'm scared to read those words.
I'm scared of their honesty, i'm scared of the words that poured out of me in that moment of tears and honesty before God.

I might read those words again...i just don't know when....
I have nothing really to say....

I wrote this last night but forgot to post this is it......

JULY 5TH Blog 2003

There was so much that I have been wanting to blog about for some time. Like Little Bear I have been wanting to say some thoughts regarding this whole legalizing of same sex marriages in Canada. Then at work my team leader (who loves me to death) brought up a discussion on the war in Iraq and actually asked what I thought, (she is the type of person who just states her thoughts and points of view and when you interject a thought she nearly cuts you off and starts again with more of what she thinks. Not really letting you get a word in edge wise.)
So normally i just keep my mouth shut as she talks constantly about what she thinks about things that are happening in the news or in the movies or especially in the war with American troops and such.

One thing that I have always hated about myself is my intense lack of verbal skills. I have been blessed with friends that have this incredible ability to “argue”. Not pick fights, but debate if you will. They think fast in situations that demand them to spew their opinions, their thoughts. I have always envied this ability of theirs; this super power. I never argue, or rather, rarely argue with them because I can never support my thoughts fast enough and get easily defeated verbally. So instead I listen, nod my head when i agree, stay silent usually when i don’t agree and wait for either something to distract them, or for them to get tired of what they are saying and change the subject.
It’s a meagre living i know.

I had a shock when at work my Team Leader, in the middle of her rant, turns to me and asks me what I think about Canada’s involvement with the war in Iraq and just thoughts on the war itself. Realizing suddenly that she actually asked me what i thought, i had a hard time snapping myself out of my mind. Silence followed her question as all eyes were now on me waiting for my answer. I sat on the stairs completely stunned because i realized that, yes i did have some views regarding the war but I really had never followed those thoughts out to their final conclusions and therefore my opinion. I stammered through some sort of response that had something to do with a “sitting on the fence” sort of answer which of course played through perfectly. No sooner had i opened my mouth then my Team Leader began going off about how mad she was the Canada did not support the war by sending troops.

I remained sitting with a sly smirk on my face completely in shock at the whole situation that just played out. I realized my intense lack of verbal skills and while sitting there wished so much that I could be like Clarkie who can speak her mind without so much as a second thought. The rest of the day went by in somewhat of a haze because i was totally consumed with the fact that I didn’t really hold strong opinions on the war in Iraq.