the least I can say is that I know myself.
I mean, when I have my incredibly annoying stretches of insomnia, I at least have a guess as too why it has snuck up on me.
1) it's either stress
2) it's worry
3) I'm not spending enough time soaking in Jesus
4) I am eating unhealthy
and in the case of last night.....all of the above.
Last night was such an incredibly horrible end to an awful day. I dare say one of the worst nights I've had in a very long time.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't lie still.
I couldn't keep my eyes closed because my mind would race through all of the things i have to do and all of the heartaches that I'm feeling and, If i kept my eyes closed for any length of time I'd start bawling. so i would open them, I would TRY and find a comfortable position knowing it was a pointless goal.
I started to ultimately, quite literally,
"freak" about the fact that I have no money. That I can't find a job that actually PAYS me properly. I was "freaking" about my student loan (first one I've ever had to take out) thinking through it, wondering if I did the right thing. I mean i really feel like i am supposed to return there this year and that, at the present moment, is the only option for me getting there. I am so terrified that it won't go through, that i won't be able to return, that I'll have to stay here in Winnipeg working this job that i completely loath and being stuck there because no one else will hire me.
i finally put some music on to distract my thoughts
(this is habit for me, i used to suffer from EXTREME insomnia as a child and into my high school years. My attention naturally gravitates towards music of any form so to put music on when i have insomnia helps me NOT focus on my thoughts and my retarded mind, therefore causing me to eventually fall asleep) I finally drifted away at about 3:15 ish only to awake to Clarkie arriving from work at 3:30. I listened as she closed doors, fed the dog, did her usual "get ready for bed" dance, turned off lights, made some food, watched some TV, closed some more doors and then went to bed. By that moment in time it was after 4 in the morning and I was once again WIDE A BLOODY WAKE......arg....... needless to say i got about 2 hours of sleep last night.
I was up at 5:30 to get ready for work, getting out of bed was so difficult for the reason that it meant going to work, facing another day, facing another day that had the ability to be just as hard and sad as the day before....I wasn't looking forward to it at all.
On the way to work while I was on the bus i made my peace with God. I had no desire to bring my horrible attitude into work it would only guarantee a horrible day, so i asked Him to forgive me and asked Him to remind me that it was my "mission field" and that I was with these people almost everyday and I will try and live my life as a light shining bright for my Jesus; i was going to try and live as salt.
I have never told anyone there that i am a Christian, the topic just hasn't arrived yet. One thing that I am so thankful for in my pursuit of Jesus is that He's really made me sensitive to certain things again. Gossip is REALLY BAD where i work. It only takes one person to start it and then they all just feed off of each other like a bunch of vultures. When i first started working there, friendly old me would smile only to acknowledge to them that I was listening and wasn't ignoring them. But this whole Gossip stuff has been getting worse in the last week. For the last few days I just haven't been able to handle it. I don't smile, i don't laugh, i am sure that i have a not so friendly look on my face but it is conveniently hidden behind dark sunglasses (because i drive all day)....anyway...point is.....i COMPLETELY ignore it if that's the only option, or i walk away, or if we are all stuck in the car i tactfully turn the music up or try and change the subject. With grace of course....
I thought that i was the only one who noticed what was going on....just how gross it is. So I've literally not spoken more than 5 words while at work in the past three days.
While unloading the car today after work with my team leader C-Dawg (she is the one that just talks constantly) She, out of the blue, asks me if i believed that we meet people in our lives for a reason. I replied that yes i believe in that very much so. She goes on to say that I am one of those people in her life.
i just stopped in shock. it was the last thing i expected to hear.
She continued to say that every since i have started working there i have just been constantly challenging her in who she is, how she acts, how she thinks etc. That she has changed so much in these last few weeks after meeting me that it has surprised her husband.
She starts to tell me that in this past week, while the gossip was steadily getting worse and more involved, that she started to notice how i was around that sort of situation. When today dawned she had the specific intention on intently "watching" me, how i acted, reacted, the words i spoke, etc. This she did.
So as we were unloading the car she's telling me how much she is impressed with me and how much she has come to respect me since I've started working there; how I've handled myself in conversations and different situations. I was somewhat confused, i didn't know what she was talking about, i couldn't remember any "situations" perse....all of a sudden it sort of dawned on me and i just blurt out "oh the gossip?" she sort of cringed at the word but agreed.
She said that while she was watching me today and watching just how i wouldn't stand for that around me it reminded her that it was bad and she would intern not get so "involved" herself and rather try and change the subject for me.
It was such a cool moment. It made me realize ONCE AGAIN that even though we might feel like we are doing nothing, having no impact what-so-ever on the surrounds around us, or even loath the job we are working in....
the fact stays the same....
God can, will, and DOES work through us broken humans to touch lives around us.....what a completely humbling reality. The even in my hatred of that job, He choose to impact a life through an example that i tried to set in my life.
I was a wonderful end to an otherwise horrible day.....
I love my Jesus......