Wednesday, July 02, 2003

today has just been one of those days.
not only has it been incredulously hot, but it has been yet another unfruitful day in my job search.
Why isn’t anyone hiring anymore?? I am bound to this current job i hold that pays me so little for busting my ass all day?
Don’t get me wrong, i have no trouble busting my ass all day, none what so ever. The part that is bothering me is simply that I CAN’T MAKE ANY MONEY!
My situation is that I need to find a second job (evening) or I need to find an altogether better paying job that can offer me full time hours.....arrrrrgh.

there is something so satisfying about wearing army pants.(i was just about to call them infantry pants....bahahahaha....tooooo much Desert Storm Combat for YOU roomies understand that comment....You are both addicted know it!)

I don’t necessarily understand it. It’s not like i have been in the army and am therefore used to wearing this type of clothing, but yet when i put them on, i feel as though i am coming home. I am arriving in comfort, i am taking that long awaited stroll down the avenue the results in an espresso, a good book and a beautiful spring evening.
I guess it’s just one of those practical levels of comfort that are offered to us poor students.

In the middle of this feeling of comfort that my army pants are offering me i have been noticing a growing ache; a growing sadness. I recognize it this time, i didn’t the last few times I've felt it. God is trying to get my attention and this captain crunch is to overwhelmed with the realization of how human she is. It’s that familiar battle that happens between your human logic and Kingdom thinking. I see the sin in my life. Not the sin as in things i do that don’t honour God, but the sin that IS me. The Human, never-going-to-make-the-grade, sin that we all carry. In the middle of this realization i hear God telling me that i am being called by name, that he longs for me to know him and that I CAN know him, that i can know him in such an intimate personal way.

As i focus on this quite whisper of hope in my spirit i sense the battle so much stronger.
Can I let go of myself to the one who knows my every part?
Can i screw all back up plans I currently have in case this “relationship” screws me over like all the others? Can I trust utterly in my Jesus??
Can I stand steadfast in the face of things that look bleak, tempting, or hopeless?
Can I remain in my Jesus and can i let my light not only shine but shine bright?

Of course i doubt and have been doubting that I can do the above, but as today dawned and as i felt that ache, that quiet whisper to soak in His presence, i came home and found a letter that a friend from school had mailed me. It was so encouraging. It was obvious that it had arrived exactly when God wanted it too, it was obvious that God knew that I couldn’t be strong for that much longer, it was obvious the thing that God was trying to get across to me.

Needless to say i got the message. I caught the hint.
Now the task at hand is to walk in complete trust and dependence in God and in the things he has for me. It’s hard but definitely not impossible. I need to spend more time with God. I will spend more time with God.
He is my priority.
He is the strength i need.
He is the Joy i need.
He is the very sheild that protects me.
I will rest in the shadow of His wings.

Have you guys heard of the song...”sheild about me”?(i think that’s what it’s called)
I can’t remember how it goes...i need to go find it.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

the thing i wanted to blog about has escaped my mind.
it has taken the stool it was sitting on and split through the back door that I inconveniently left ajar.
It, the door, hasn't closed properly since i had a drought of emotion
and, of course, in an attempt to reawaken my slumbering feelings I slammed the door and the hinges broke.
Since then things i try and keep in one place, have a habit of playing tricks on me.
They see how fast they can get out of the unhinged mess i used to call a door before i notice them leaving; little do they know...
i always notice them leaving.

So in this not so air-tight contraption i call a mind I have realized a few things.
Little Bear has mentioned a few times on her blog that as she has started this new job of hers she has discovered that she has so much thinking time; she basically works alone during her day. I hold a similar job, I work with a maid service. I work with three other ladies so i am not quite as alone as i would wish to be but yet, when i am cleaning i am generally alone and it is then that my thoughts start to nag at me.

I started to think about the past eight months i spent at Bible College.
To be honest i haven't really had very much time to think over those eight months in any sort of detail. I had to change gears when i moved here for the summer, you know; living mode. Anyway, needless to say these thoughts of school finally caught up with me at work. I found myself looking at the school year as a whole; start to finish, rather than looking at the year through the selected memories i have of it.
I found myself asking what i gained.
What was something that i came away with from attending that school for 8 months?
If i were to never return for another year, what did i pull away?

The answer came almost instantly.
The thing i have gained has been a love for the word of God; the Bible.
Before I went to Bible College i knew parts of the bible. I mean i knew Old Testament stories, the Gospels and the stories of the life of Jesus, the beginnings of the church, the spread of the Gospel. That was the bible to me, those pieces; but that's all they were....pieces.
I feel as though I have been painted a picture. When i look at my bible now or when i think of any part of the Bible, all of those "pieces" that were just pieces to me before, all i do is smile because now i feel as though i see the BIG picture.

I see the hand of God working through generations and generations knitting and pulling things together, things that have been in place from the start. I see the outworking of His IMMENSE love for us. I see God's hand on the tiniest of details, touching the life that, too our eyes seems insignificant. Above all i see a story that is being told by an incredible storyteller and this amazing story, this gift, has been giving to us to help us start to grasp this incredible love that our creator holds towards us. I see a story, such an intricate story.

This was one thought that tried to play it's game on me and sneak out the unhinged door. Like i said though, i always notice them leaving; this time around however i gave this thought the roaring rach rick-a-shaw and knocked it out cold. It couldn't escape...i needed something to keep me busy as i scrubbed the Hee Haw out of a shower covered in filth and hair..........*shiver*