YEAH!!! my friend started a blog!!! i'm excited.....

check out Sylvia's blog page

*WHEW*
hrrrmmmm
pffhshshhs
ahhh??.....
........*stare*......

today is friday (praise the Lord)
today was payday (sad, sad day b/c of the amount on the check...but thankful i am making some money!)
Sunday is church ( I love that community, saying goodbye is going to be sad again....)
Monday is normal day off (going to play some pool, maybe hang out in a park, get sun burned, bring my djembe and just chill out...i sure hope it's sunny on Monday)
Tuesday is after monday and i should be working on this day. However, because it's summer many people cancel there appointments and therefore we have way less houses to clean....so today (friday) I was told not to come in on Tuesday (4 days from today) because of lack of work......this sucks....i need the money that i would have made on that day.....arg....

If you guys think of it.....say a quick prayer that some additional money making opportunities will come my way....i am hardly pulling off part time hours where i work....totally sucks....anyway.....i am still thankful that GOd provided me this place, even though i hate it most of the time....bahahahahaha......

anywho....what am i going to do with four days off.....arg
i know....
i will play pool
i will sit in the sun
i will spend time with God
i will play my guitar
i will play my djembe
i will try and remember to eat food
i will not drink pop
i will watch many a movie
i will watch many a CHEEZY movie whilst taking advantage of the fact that my roomates will be working and therefore can't nag the hell out of me and my choice in movie....*smile*
i will play PS2
i will hopefully blog however i doubt that i will have anything of worth to say
i will clean the house
i will go to sleep
i will leave you now

so today, in the wake of the news that my friend in eston has died, today has been an "anger" day. I usually have quite a high tolerance and don't get mad at a lot....it takes a lot to get me mad.
i couldn't get to the funeral in eston today....this had been causing small bursts of sudden anger at the situation throughout my whole day. it was needless to say, a very frustrating day.
I get home and once again sign onto msn and talk to a friend in eston who was at the funeral. i hear it went well. i hear there were tonnes of people there. i knew there would be. she had many friends, not only in eston but in many places. i am so mad that i couldn't be there.
i am mad that i can't be in eston.

i find it funny how God has changed my heart. i mean....a little over a year ago i cringed at the thought of returing to eston. i was mad at God that he would make me return to a place where i already "did my time". in the short eight months that i spent there God did a very large, subtle work on me. I mean...in the first three months of the year he dropped the bomb on me that he wanted me there for three more years....i just about had a heart attack...lol

i was excited to return to winnipeg for the summer. this place was my home for two years and in so many deeper ways is my spiritual home, i love this city like i grew up in it. to be honest....this has been a very difficult summer for me. I didn't expect things to be the same when i got here, i knew my feelings towards this place would change because God's asking me to go to a different place in my life. i have no desire to stay in the "same place", i want to grow...and i know that growing means new places and new situations etc....not always of course...but sometimes.

as my last few months at school drew to a close God really started to break my heart for eston. it was a very subtle move on His part; very very sneaky. So imagine my shock as i'm finally back in the city that is so dear to me, back with people who i feel understand my heart and my pursuit of Jesus without me having to explian it, back with people who have helped show me how to worship with the arts, back with a community that has meant so much to me and my growth in God.....now as i'm back in this place that kept me afloat for two years, God stirs in me such a desire for my home town, such a passion and such a longing to be there.

I can't really understand why i would want to be there, it's very obviously God. it is a small place, a farming community, 1100 people, tiny tiny place. the only thing close to us note worthy is a small "city" 45 minuets away; it has decent shopping (not really), a humble movie theatre, some select fast food dumps, a 7-11..etc. eston is 2 hours from saskatoon and so it's not that far of a jump to an actual city with proper city things. eston is a place is surrounded by fields and ranch lands, you can see the horizon in every direction, clouds look like mountains as they sit on the edge of the feilds teasing you to climb them, eston is close to the south saskatchewan river and has some fun sand bars that are used for bush parties (there is nothing like a bush party on a sand bar in the middle of the south saskatchewan river)......it's a typical nice prairie town....it's my home town....i am shocked that God has brought me to a place where i'm extremly proud to say i'm from eston, that eston has formed who i am.

so i wonder what this next year will hold. i wonder what will come while i'm at school. I wonder what God has up His sleeve...i'm excited...living your life completley devoted to God is exciting.....it's crazy...but it's exciting.
i have to go now...gotta go do the dishes before i go to bed and have another completley long night where i don't sleep and my mind takes control......

oh...something i forgot to post earlier....
CONGRADULATIONS JASON AND YVONNE ON THE SAFE DELIVERY OF YOUR NEW SWEETHEART!!!!!

i had such a wonderful escape last night. 4 of us went to the last night of folk fest and saw Ani Difranco perform live, on stage with only a guitar. What a wonderful evening. It was a joyous night; a carefree night....it was a gift.
Coming back into the city was quite hard actually, to be honest.
As i sat in the back seat i was just consumed by the chaos of unfinished thoughts that nearly choked me unconcious. So many things i've been feeling this summer, so many things that I haven't understood about the way i've felt this summer.
All of a sudden as I thought about the evening and thought about why it was so joyful, why i was so "free" (for lack of a better term) free inside, in my head, my heart; God really showed me. He just.....opened my eyes all of a sudden. It was subtle and deep and weird.
So i was fully intending on blogging about it when i got back...but as i sat down on the computer, logged onto msn and started talking to one of my bible school friends who is living in my home town.

She told me that one of my friends has died this weekend. She rolled her truck and that's all i know. She just graduated from high school in June. She was full of life, had a radiant smile, loved to laugh and was such a beautiful young woman. I can't get her face out of my mind. It was such a horrible ending to my wonderful evening. I was just, I still am, slammed with greif unbearable, pain so deep. all i could say was "holy shit". i got about an hour of sleep last night.

Just like with Gavin's death, it's so much deeper than that. I mean....that was only 7 months ago......7 MONTHS!! The pain that town has gone through....a few weeks ago i just wanted to and felt the need to be in eston early. I felt like i need to send time there praying before everyone (the student leadership) arrived. Now since Megan died i just have this intense URGENCY to get there. I feel like it's so important, not only do i want to be there for the funeral, but for the remainder of the summer.....it's driving me mad. My heart just breaks for that place, those people, my town. I think about it and i just start crying...even now....geeesh.

my only way of getting there is by the hand of God. I barely have enough money to pay bills here let alone to get myself to eston. I have to learn to be patient before my God who controls these things. I have to trust that I will be back in eston when the time is right. I need to master how to wait on God....i need to.......

So today has had a horrible damper on it....and i'm sure the week will follow suit. It's so hard to be separated from a place that's so intensly burned on my heart. i just break for that place.......