Saturday, July 26, 2003

well....i don't quite know where to start.
i have the house completely by myself this weekend. both dear friends of mine are away and even the dog is gone. i very much so enjoy the solitude. the struggle is what i decide to do with my is all to easy for me to spend all my time on the computer or watching tv or doing both (on most occasions) so i need to not do that since i recognize the habit.

one habit that i acquired during school last year was that my sunday's were my "sabbath" days. i forced myself to not touch my homework, not to do the things i "HAD" to do, but rather spend time with God, take a nap after lunch, play my guitar, do the things that i didn't have time to do during the week because of homework.

so tomorrow, sunday, i am going to do just that. i am not going to turn on the tv till AT LEAST the evening and i think that i am going to take my djembe and find a park and just relax. i think that i'm going to bring my guitar too. i miss playin' my guitar. i don't play it nearly enough...hmmm

this summer has gone by so's crazy how that happens eh? i's nuts.
as i am faced with the realization that i need to start buying things that i'll need for school i am noticing how much i need...and in the same breath how little money i have.

i only work three days this week...again....i am at the point where i've accepted that it's clear God wants me working where i am. that i am not going anywhere else. i've accepted it. the part that is becoming increasingly difficult is the fact that i am just BARELY making enough money to pay the things that NEED to be paid, let alone having anything extra to that i'm seeing things that will be needed for school in the fall i'm just hoping that it will be possible to get those and still afford to get to eston....

i wonder why trusting God is so hard for us....
i wonder why it's so easy for us to trust in our abilities.....
i know that one thing i've learned so far this summer is just the all consuming reality that EVERYTHING i have is from God. Every job i've had He alone has provided,
Every ability i hold to work at these jobs He has given to me,
Every once of work ethic that i have is directly from God and is not even CLOSE to my doing.....
He's obviously trying to nail this point home in my spirit.

I feel like my hands are tied, i'm stuck in something that i have no control of, i can't do anything about the situation that i'm in......for some who is claustrophobic (meaning me) that's an extremly horrible feeling.
i shouldn't feel like that. it's quite the opposite actually.
it is ONLY when i come under the control of God that i become free.
why is that so hard for us, for me, to grasp?

i get really nervous in situations like this. i mean it's obvious that God is either trying to get my attention or trying to show me something; or both.
i get afraid that i'm too thick headed and won't be able to "catch the drift"
that i will be unable to hear Him and His leading.
that i will all together miss the reason of why i'm where i am.
i long for a hearing heart.......

i am sick of living for "me"
i want to be relevant to my surroundings and be able to do what i'm here to do
i'm here on this earth to "be Jesus" to those around me...end of story.
my life is no longer my own, i have been crucified with Christ and the life i now live, i live for Christ alone.

i thank God for moments of clearity
those times where you just "get it"; you see your purpose, your role on this earth
not the details mind you, but the big picture, the reason
as christians we are part of the body of Christ
called to work as One, with different parts
as a church we are called to be Jesus on earth, to carry on the work of Christ.
can you imagine if the church saw that? the church as a whole?
individuals see it right now, different roles within this church see it, not the catholic "universal" church

there is so much power in that realization! i mean just THINK about it, dwell on it for a moment!
all other things just seem to fade in the wake of that reality.
all of the little things just seem so little....why would we focus on those?
why don't we have our focus on CHRIST! on heavenly things!

i am just as much to blame as everyone else out there...
i am constantly trying to keep my attention and focus on the Kingdom,
i am constantly getting side tracked,
constantly getting distracted and preoccupied....

but then God gives me those moments of clearity....
and i see......
i understand.....
and i try to correct my view....
i try to aline it once again to kingdom thinking
and i try to live my life according to kingdom values.

this blog has turned out to be extremly different than what i had expected it to be....hope ya'll didn't mind my rant....guess that's what happens when I finally turn the TV off that has been on all day and start to pay attention to my King who has been patiently waiting for my attention......when will i learn.....*sigh*

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

number of times i tripped over my own feet today = 7
number of times i asked myself "walk much" = 7 and counting

then as i stumbled home, migrane a'poundin', knee's a'aching, i found a package waiting for me from a dear friend of mine in BC. I was directed to open the present before the card..confused i opened it....i smiled....i smiled really was a very awesome present. Then with smile in hand i opened the card.....

The card was about someone saying that they tripped over nothing, laughed really hard, and then asked themself "walk much".......

I laughed incredably made suffering through my very long day with a migrane no problem at all.....
Thank you Sylvia.....

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

I have fallen in love with ninjai....

well CNN is claiming that Uday and Qusay, the two sons and heirs to Saddam, were killed in a raid in Mosul Iraq.
i am not entierly sure what too believe....i hold so little faith in the Media let alone CNN....More and more i am realizing that i just don't live in reality...i mean this is not reality. Yes it is where i live and yes we are real people dealing with the things we are dealing with and that is very much so reality.
Looking at the world as a whole stirs me to prayer....i guess that's a good thing.
ahhh this isn't going anywhere.....

Sunday, July 20, 2003

i have so much on my mind....
i was watching 60 minuets today (because Sheryl Crow was on it....she's one of my favorite artists) and just kept watching and this interview with this German doctor who is working in North Korea came on. It was just a short 15 minuet special on North Korea but it just drove me nuts.

He was telling of the conditions in the hostipals, the streets, the incredable poverty and how so many children are dying because of the disease that is running through that country. They have no soap, no medical supplies, no clean sheets or cloths or clothes, no toothpaste, nothing at all..... Mr "man who runs the country like a cult" demands uniformity, the streets in the capital city are nearly deserted, people coming in and out need a government pass which is ridiculously hard to come by. North Korea has the worlds tallest hotel (shaped like a pyramid) but it is never open for buisness because the sturtural design is too weak. There is no traffic on the streets of this captial city yet meticuously dressed street conductors perform directions like robots. The city looks like a ghost town, it is made and kept to look like a city where the people flurish under the dictatorship of their leader.

Day and Night "mr man who runs the place" plays recorded tapes of happy korens praising their leader like He's a God. This Doctor who was giving the interview was saying how these tapes (and there are billboards and propaganda everywhere as well) are around day and night and children are being raised under this and therefore come to believe it because it is what they are being educated to think. It is all they are being educated to think.

This German doctor is on a mission to let people know of the conditions that are rampant in North Korea. He is trying to make people aware of the need, the intense poverty, the lack of medical provisions, the lack of doctors etc....He was commenting on how when Hitler was reigning and tormenting the jewish people, the world assumed that the rest of Germany was sitting silently by as He did this....So this doctor is so adament to not stay silent any longer... He saw the death camps that Hitler formed and says that the conditions in North Korea are almost identical and he will not stay silent about it as children and people die everyday because of the poverty.

when the people in North Korea get arrested for whatever reason they get sent to these "slave labour" camps where the poverty is worse than in the country itself. When someone is arrested, It's not only the single person that goes to this slave labour camp, but rather the whole family goes as well, women and chilren included. Soliders are told and encouraged to be cruel and violent with the people there. Public executions are performed infront of the rest of the camp, 1 and 5 die while others are used as guinea pigs for chemical testing and obtain fatal illnesses that result in their death and often they infection of others.

"mr man in charge" puts all money and resources into His army that is one million men strong. Food and medical supplies that do make it into the country go to the army and government first, then to the people. Money apparently goes towards His neuclear development so that he can continue to threaten prosperous countries so they will continue to send aide.

Somedays i just get so frustrated that I am seemingly "stuck" in North America with all of these countries in our world that are barely breathing because the poverty is so intense and gripping. It drives me insain. I start to think "why am i in school?" "why am i spending money that i don't have to be priviledged enough to recieve an education?" "why am I working a job just to pay some bills?" "what is the bloody point?"

I understand that God has a plan, i understand that i am not going to understand His plan most often than not, i am fine with that. I know i have to accept the fact that i am in school for a reason, that i am in north america for a reason, that i am living my life and chasing the direction of my dreams for a reason. I trust God, i trust his future for me.

At the same time there is something inside of me that just longs to not be in a "prosperous" country any longer, i feel like i don't belong, i feel like i need to help IN ANY WAY THAT I CAN those countries that are less forturnate than others. I think that being at school last year really did a lot of things in me. I know that God wants me in Eston, i know or at least feel like He is prepareing me durning this time in my life and a lot of that has to do with FGBI and what I am learning there. During my time there God really started to stir my dreams again. Things that had sort have taken a nap in the back of my life while other areas needed to come forward.

So as i realized that I was being asked to "settle" in eston till i have my heart just started a tug of war because all of a sudden i noticed how deep of a longing i have to be in other countries, other cultures, surrounded by different languages and people, children, music, history, art, and the many expressions of worship and praise to our Father in heaven.....

I have to learn how to sit tight. I have to acknowledge those desires in me beacuse i believe that they are from God and whatever will come to pass will come in God's timing, and personally, i wouldn't have it any other way. I just have to find something to take my mind off of the extremly large "itch" i have to's been so long since i've traveled, let alone travelled internationally and my desire is growing.......becoming unbearable.

I need to stop watching the OLN station.....well maybe not stop....maybe that will help me tide the desire....if i see these pictures of other i watch these hosts travel the globe and explore these countries i'll just try not to envy them too

someday i'll go to North Korea, i have friends in South Korea....maybe i'll just smuggel my way in the country through the south....i'll get there someday...i know that for sure.....i just hope that I don't rush it because if i go i want to be able to be used for good, i want to have knowledge, preparation, i don't want to go in ignorant or as some inexperianced little twerp who knows nothing about i will trust God. I have no doubt that I'll get where my heart desires to go someday...and that day will be such a wonderful day, as are all of my days....because i know i am where God wants me.....and that rules.....