Thursday, August 07, 2003

I'm thankful that today is a good day.
yesterday was very hard.
i was entertaining immature and childlike options that i could do to “get back” at my job which i am really trying hard not to hate.

yesterday was the snapping point, the breaking moment, the day that all of a sudden i just couldn’t handle they way they were treating me anymore. I almost started bawling, I wanted to yell, lip them off and storm out of that place so fast.....but I couldn’t....I just couldn’t give into it. I couldn’t let those fleeting emotions win. I can’t deny that I am in that place for a reason, and that is the hardest part....staying in that place despite the shit that’s going on.
now I realize that I'm not the only person who’s been in a job that has treated them horrible, so i know that many out there probably know what it feels like.

God did something extremely obvious yesterday, before our teams took off for the day. My boss finally hired a driver to replace me. She is really cool. She is young...looked around my age. We started talking casually and i ended up asking her how long she was playing on staying’ here. She’s all like well ‘only till the end of august, I'm going back to school’ I asked her what she was taking...she said “bible courses” and i just started to laugh.....I quickly put her at ease when I explained that i was laughing because I'm going into my second year at bible school myself. She became was a very good 10 minuet conversation. I didn’t see her the rest of that day due in part to the retarded-ness of my I'm hoping that I will be able to run into her tomorrow.
she was on my mind all day. all i could think about in the middle of the horrible-ness of the day unfolding was that i really needed to get her address so that we could keep in touch when we both leave for our respective schools. it was such a strange feeling. i mean it was only a 10 minuet conversation for crying out loud. i thought about no going to work for my last week one of the only fighting things was the fact that if i DIDN’T go into work that week then I'd be loosing valuable time spent getting to know this girl better.
i met up with little bear at her work so that i might get a way home....i vented my day to her, vented my plans of just quitting after tomorrow, told her about this girl and how it was obvious it was God. finally i got home and phoned my mum, vented to her as well. as always she helped me see the opinion of an outsider, someone not consumed with the horribleness of my job. it was a good conversation......

so I'm going to try and stick it out for my last week....try and show some integrity. God knows i have enough reason to walk out of that place and never look back...but with the arrival of this girl I'm feeling like God is trying to give me the heads up....trying to get my attention ( I am so thick headed)....anyway.....i just pray that I can find my strength and identity in Christ, not in my work, or in anything that I try and do. I want to be able to show some integrity, some persistence, some joy......i want to show Christ. end of story.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

rain always does it too me....
today has been one of those days where i have so much on my mind i hardly know where to start. i want to disect it, i want to figure out where it all came from, i want to know my feelings on these subjects, and i want to know how to handle it and the way i'm feeling.

it rained today. rain makes me happy; it also makes me sleepy. i was late for work this morning and the part that bothers me is that i really didn't care all that much. isn't that horrible?!
i waited for the bus this morning for about 25 minuets all the while getting drenched. it was the best way to spend a morning. i was so happy.

so last week was the first week of me no longer being a driver at work. it was alright b/c i only worked two days last week. i expected some sort of fireworks last week on the part of my boss; seein' as she doesn't really appreciate people standing up to her or challenging her "know it all" composure.
The fire works came this morning...(i'll explain at another date) as we were leaving (she was driving me to meet up with the team) she was like "i am willing to pay you 25 cents more if you will drive for the next two weeks" she said it soo polite was almost tempting....well until i realized and remembered the whole REASON why i didn't want to drive in the FIRST place. So i politely declined the offer and thus my day began.

When i am surrounded by the little injustices of life, i realize my instense urge to verbally and sarcastically "take shots" at people that piss me off. Just to get them back is the reasoning my mind gives me. I am at a place in my life where i rarely give into that urge but boy oh boy do those perfectly timed sentances sure fly through my mind sometimse. today was one of those days. As miss boss lady did the whole "i'm going to subtely make your life hell" role and was just gritting my teeth, trying to tell my mind to shut up and just hoping that God would help give me the strength to keep my mouth shut cuz i was really took everything i had to not say anything not only to boss lady but to some of my fellow workers.....
i, everyday, see who i am without God. I see the angry little girl who hates life and everyone in it. I see this hate churning into bitterness at everything and i see someone who derives great joy from being sarcasticlly cruel to other people just because something about them bothers me.

everyday that i see this, i thank God for the things he's given me. The patience he's given me, the kindness, and compassion towards others. He's given me the strength to disregard those crazy thoughts and instead constantly make the choice to encourage those people that are bothering.....God is no way i'd be able to come anywhere near that on my own.....of that I am sooo positive....

i've run out of the motivation to finish my thoughts.....
so i will stop......
(rats...there was so much more i wanted to say...)

Monday, August 04, 2003

i can't get a hold of the place where i work. this is frustrating because i need to go pick up my check..i'm very poor right now. also i don't know if i work tomorrow b/c i didn't work on firday and therefore the schedual wasn't up yet....arg.

on a surprisingly exciting note.....i've been trying to get back into my habit of stretching every morning. I've been doin' it occasionally for about a week or so.....
well after playin' djembe sunday morning durning church my legs were a bit sore from holding my drum up (another reason why i need a stand....another day, another time....) so today i was feelin' it quite a bit more i started to stretched.

i was alarmed to discover that i can touch my toes!

i have never been flexable enough to do that, even in the peek of my atheltic endeavours. When i was in dancing and gymnastics i just wasn't flexable and it was SOO Frustrating...athletic yes, felxible no. so imagine my exciment when i'm causally stretching (which feels sooooo nice) and then all of a sudden am able to touch the ground while i'm standing up! i was like "noooo...i must be doing something wrong" cuz you know when you can do stretches the cheat way and the proper way.....well i was doin' it the proper way....i couldn't believe it....i'm still excited!

i have really cared about my body, my weight, my eating habits (which suck), and so on. I need to change my lifestyle. I want to be healthy, i want to be in shape, i want to by physically strong. I'm sick of feeling crappy. I know what your body feels like when you eat healthy, everything just is hightened. Your sense of smell, your mind, you are awake and energetic, you sleep at night soundly, just all of it......i want to feel that again.....enough screwin' around =)

anyway.....carbs are goin' in my life. pop is going....chips are going....unessisary sugars are going......end of if's and's or but's about it......

(i can't believe i can touch my toes!!.....what a pathetic life i live)