Thursday, May 08, 2003

well....i FINALLY have a job interview. One place out of the around 30 resumes that i dropped off decided to phone me. I only hope that they will like me enough to hire me. I realized that i have such a complex. I was raised in the belief that I work for what i get; in regards to material things and money. I have two hands, i have been blessed with a mind that works and is able to work wonderfully under pressure, i am healthy and strong....therefore I am able to work for my living, any money i acquire, anywhere i want to go. This mindset has been getting chizzeled down by God more and more and i am slowly coming around to the fact that i need to depend on God in the area of finances, something that is very difficult to do being a memeber of North America.

So like i was saying, these past two weeks have been hard on my little mind b/c it's challenging me to trust that God will provide work for me so that I might be able to return to school. Student loans are a whole other issue that I am not going to get into now, involves a whole other blog.

So there is this huge ....what's the word.....issue I guess that has arose in my life this summer. It involves a very large, very important descision that is very hard to decide. It affects so many things but ultimately i just want to be where God wants me to be. I don't want to do it my way, yes I might like one way over the other, but I am sick of doing it MY way, I don't want to be in control. I am trying to be still before God....trying to be silent.....trying hard not to be impatient but trying to trust that God will guide me. That is so difficult. When I think about one end of the situation I think of all the logical, practicle aspects.....and it doesn't logically seem to work then on my end it looks impossible that it could ever work out. But if i learned anything from God asking me to go to eston for school i learned that when God runs the show things that seem impossible or absolutley daft seem to be how He likes to run in the back of my mind i know this looks crazy but i can see it happening just from my experiance with God so far in my life. To be blunt it scares the shit out of me.
I have rambled too long......I just hope that my interview tomorrow goes well.
I hope that i might be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that I might then test and approve the will of God - the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

i wonder if the reason why i love star trek is simply because i grew up with it.
i mean that totally makes sense right. that's why i love the 80's as well. so much of it holds so many of my memories.
ahh see i'm watching star trek right now...this is why it is on my mind.
on another note i sure wish i could get a job, really wish i could. i greatly dislike feeling like like a slob and not having anything to do. i am struggeling with trying to spend my time wisely. i think i've always struggeled with that. i long to have disapline in my life, disapline that allows me to get closer to Jesus. I want to train myself, physically, mentally, and especially spiritually. It is so hard to break habits that have only proven to be destructive in my life. Habits of my thinking which in turn affects my acting and reacting.
Some day i hope to reach a level of disapline.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

what an awesome feeling to walk back into my church community here in winnipeg. i had the wonderful blessing of speaking again with people that i haven't seen in roughly eight months. what a huge blessing that i would given the opportunity to return here. so cool.
i wonder if i really change that much or that i don't make such a large influence on people but one of my favorite things to see with people who haven't seen me for a while is to notice their reaction. i mean i understand when people don't recognize me, it makes me smile. but this morning i had so many looks and then as you watched them you could see their heads churning trying to place me, trying to figure out how they might know me. then like 10 minuets late they would bound up to me in excitement and we would proceed to have an awesome disscusion and "catch up" time. it was great.
on one hand i love it because i just love to dissapear in a crowd sometimes, to have the freedom for a time to just watch people, watch how they interact, watch how they are with their kids. it's a beautiful thing. this feeling gets raised especially when you are in a place that you know, where the people should know you....or maybe it's returning to a place that you are so familar with but the people have mostly changed. it's great.
anyway....i just felt like thanking God for a million years that He would allow me the opportunity to first of all spend two years with this community and then allow me to return here. This family was my home, and still is in so many ways. God is so good.